Editor’s Note:

First of all, it’s not technically a script. This isn’t what the actors had in front of them when the audio was recorded. This is a transcript, meaning it’s been copied down while listening to the finished product. Call it a case of ‘Reverse Imagineering’, heh heh heh.

But we ought to still call it a Star Tours Script just so it will show up on the same search engines as all the other previous transcripts which pass themselves off as scripts. The very oldest online transcripts once referred to G2-9T and G2-4T as the similar-when-spoken G2-19 and G2-14, proving they were written after-the-fact by someone working solely from audio sources… considering their proper names are written on the sides of their heads. That one always annoyed me. Unfortunately it’s been mirrored several times, and I’ve been battling it for years now.

Then there were the telltale ‘mondegreens’, where the transcriber misunderstood the spoken word and substituted similar-sounding nonsense. For example, for many years G2-9T’s “fifth-degree labor droid” has been misheard as “fixit-bee labor droid”, and “your bipedal locomotion units” (his robotic term for legs) has been misheard as “you might peddle up your motion units”. The list goes on.

For this version, I have gone through the old text files that were hosted here and exhaustively compared them to both audio and video samples to ensure their accuracy.

I have also toiled to correct misspellings and punctuational inconsistencies. Anything seen in [brackets] below is still subject to interpretation. The Ewokese announcements in particular are spelled as correctly as possible, but in places they are just phonetic ‘best guesses’.

I’ve also created new ’emotion-sound’ descriptive entries for Artoo, replacing the old notations which simply said repeatedly ‘R2-D2: warbles’… although I kept the ‘warbles’ for G2-4T’s Computer Supervisor, since no word described his noises better.

Of course, it’s still a work in progress, so feel free to point out any lingering mistakes. But I think you’ll agree this is a vast improvement over anything else out there.

I hope you enjoy the revisions. And, do have a nice flight!

-Alex Newborn, January 16th, 2006

Front Maintenance Bay

Everyone will recognize this familiar Star Tours quote:
C-3PO: Hello, I am See-Threepio, and this is my counterpart, Artoo-Detoo.

R2-D2: <Whistles an enthusiastic greeting>

C-3PO: Welcome to the Star Tours Tomorrowland Spaceport!

Well, maybe not everyone. I sure didn’t, when I came across it at the beginning of certain audio files, including the one at Hyperspace. For a moment, I thought it might’ve been lifted from the Star Tours Electronic Presskit (EPK). But a bit of research at various Disney fansites and careful review of my video archives soon provided the explanation: it’s the People Mover audio!

There’s more than one entrance into Disneyland’s Star Tours in Anaheim… or at least there used to be. Although it is apparently offline at the moment, Disneyland guests could once board the Tomorrowland Transit Authority People Mover trams and take a leisurely aerial tour of the park. The People Mover even went inside the Star Tours building!

Imagine seeing the Maintenance Bay queue from the back side. The StarSpeeder 3000 is below you and to your left. C-3PO is standing there, also to your left, moving his arms. Over the People Mover speakers, you don’t hear the familiar queue script, with the typical bantering between the droids, but instead Threepio and Artoo warmly welcome you to the Spaceport.

Let’s hope the ingenious two-attractions-in-one Anaheim design someday sees a return of the People Mover, so we can all experience Star Tours from the other side of the Spaceport.

---

As you enter the Star Tours attraction queue on foot, you enter what looks like a repair bay, where you see two familiar droids working on a StarSpeeder in the front. To the right is a see-through screen of plastic tiles that becomes opaque in different patterns. The whole screen becomes opaque when advertisements are projected on it.

Male Announcer: Attention please, all droids leaving the system must be cleared by Customs Control. Proof of ownership is required for all droid passengers.

C-3PO: “Proof of ownership?” We droids are made to suffer such indignities.

R2-D2: <Whistles and boops an opinion on the issue of Droid Rights>

Alien Announcer: (speaking Ewokese) Ku channa, ku channa*. Yooda yub yub haroway chudoo. Ick ick bic ick Endor. Chudoo ick ick bic ick gupta toto, achi-bic. Maricchi ni achi. Gunda.

R2-D2: <Squeals and whoops in mild alarm>

C-3PO: What is it now, Artoo?

R2-D2: <Rattles off a complicated explanation>

C-3PO: Don’t get technical with me! What pressure?

R2-D2: <Whistles a more simplified reply>

C-3PO: The fuel pressure?!

R2-D2: <Voices a short affirmation>

C-3PO: Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place?

R2-D2: <Buzzes in impatient staccato bursts: “I did! I did! I did!”>

C-3PO: Let me check.

R2-D2: <Tootles a sarcastic “Why didn’t I think of that?”>

C-3PO: Yes, I am getting a rather high reading here.

R2-D2: <Squeals and boops an increasingly alarmed suggestion>

C-3PO: Oh! Yes, Artoo, I’m shutting off the main line right now!!!

R2-D2: <Vocalizes in a self-congratulatory manner at diverting this disaster>

C-3PO: Just you get back to fixing that motivator!

R2-D2: <Boops contritely>

C-3PO: These new transports are impossible!

R2-D2: <Warbles a “You can say that again…”>

(Ad comes on the Screen)

Vid-screen Announcer: Star Tours introduces the perfect getaway vacation, with exclusive tour packages to Hoth. Now you can ski the most incredible slopes in the galaxy. Or if you prefer, explore beautiful and mysterious ice caverns and the famed Echo Base of the Rebellion forces. And while you’re there, be sure to enjoy an exhilarating ride on a Tauntaun. It’s all on Hoth, and it all begins soon, only from Star Tours. Watch for details.

C-3PO: Well, you’ll never get me to go back to that iceberg!

R2-D2: <Whistles reassuringly>

C-3PO: I don’t care how safe it is now, Artoo, it gives my motivators the chills just thinking about it. Hmph, I would rather be sent to… the spice mines of Kessel than go back to Hoth.

R2-D2: <Singsongs noncommittally>

Male Supervisor: Hey, you droids on transport 22, get back to work!

C-3PO: Now see what you’ve done! We’ll lose our jobs for sure.

R2-D2: <Blats a derogatory denial of culpability>

C-3PO: Don’t insult me, you overgrown scrap pile! At least I’m doing my job!

R2-D2: <Sniggers disbelievingly>

C-3PO: Yes, I am. So you just get back to fixing that hyperdrive motivator!

R2-D2: <Whistle-beeps acquiescingly>

Female Announcer: Will the owner of a red and black landspeeder, vehicle ID THX-1138, please return to your craft? You are parked in a no-hover area.

Male Announcer: All passengers who wish to exchange currency, prior to their departure, are invited to visit the Exchange Office, open daily during regular flight hours.

Female Announcer: There has been a gate change for Star Tours flight 1-14, StarSpeeder service to Endor. Flight 1-14 will now be departing from gate number 2. This is a gate change only. Thank you.

C-3PO: I do wish I could go with you to Endor…

(Something shorts out violently)

R2-D2: <Screeches in distress>

C-3PO: On second thought, I just remembered how much I hate space travel. You have a nice trip though, Artoo.

R2-D2: <Bloops “I’ve got a bad feeling about that”>

Female Announcer: Attention please. Star Tours flight 11-19, non-stop service to Endor, is now ready for boarding at gate number 1. All passengers please proceed to the boarding area immediately.

Alien Announcer: (speaking Ewokese) Ku channa, ku channa*. Haroway chudoo ick ick bic ick Endor. Gupta toto, achi-bic. [Na Terra noogi, racchi ashi.]

R2-D2: <Warbles absently>

C-3PO: Artoo-Detoo, just what do you think you’re doing?

R2-D2: <Boops and squawks an innocent reply>

C-3PO: Get back to work before they deactivate you!

R2-D2: <Whistles inquiringly whether Threepio believes that>

C-3PO: Yes, I think they would. And hurry up, they’ll be needing this transport any moment now.

R2-D2: <Burbles a petulant plea for sympathy>

C-3PO: No, I don’t feel sorry for you at all.

R2-D2: <Tootles at length, asking Threepio’s opinion>

C-3PO: Well, how should I know what’s wrong with the ship? I am an interpreter, not an astromech. However, you might just check the logic circuits. Sometimes I think these new transports have a mind of their own.

R2-D2: <Whistles melodically>

Male Announcer: Your attention please. All interplanetary travelers must have a current passport and the necessary visas prior to leaving the space port. Passengers requiring assistance should visit the nearest information kiosk. Thank you.

(Ad comes on the Screen)

Vid-screen Announcer: Star Tours is now offering convenient daily departures to the exotic Moon of Endor. Come spend an afternoon or the entire day with the lovable Ewoks, in their charming tribal villages. It’s a fun-filled visit that you and your family will remember forever! Just ask for the Endor Express. Available only from Star Tours. Non-stop flights leave every few minutes, so don’t delay. Visit Endor today.

C-3PO: Things have certainly changed since we were last there. I thought we were doomed for sure.

R2-D2: <Whistles “So did I!”>

C-3PO: But we did survive… somehow.

R2-D2: <Boop-wheets an uncharacteristically maudlin sentiment>

C-3PO: Thank you, Artoo. I don’t know what I’d do without you either.

Female Announcer: Star Tours flight 55 is now ready for boarding at gate number 3. At this time, we would like to board those passengers with droids or anyone requiring special assistance. Thank you.

Male Supervisor: Transport 22, prepare for elevation to passenger boarding level.

C-3PO: Oh, that’s us, Artoo. Standby for final systems check.

R2-D2: <Signals his readiness>

C-3PO: Forward lights?

R2-D2: <Beeps affirmatively>

C-3PO: Check! Deflector shield?

R2-D2: <Whistles “Good as new!”>

C-3PO: Check! Laser cannons?

R2-D2: <Tootles positively>

C-3PO: Check! Hyper– I said check, Artoo!

(Laser cannons thrum increasingly faster)

C-3PO: Shut them down before you blow up the whole place!

R2-D2: <Apologizes meekly>

(Laser cannons power down)

C-3PO: Sometimes, Artoo, I can’t understand your logic at all.

R2-D2: <Bleats interrogatively>

C-3PO: No, not at all.

Female Announcer: We’d like to continue the boarding of Flight 55 to Endor. All passengers holding confirmed tickets may board at this time through gate number 3. Thank you.

(Ad comes on the Screen)

Vid-screen Announcer: Star Tours is proud to introduce the StarSpeeder 3000. The most advanced transport of its kind in existence. With high-speed warp drive and a travel range of over one billion lightyears, the 3000 makes touring the galaxy safe and comfortable. And all our StarSpeeders are piloted by the newest, most reliable RX droids, so you can sit back, relax and enjoy the sights. Whenever your plans call for intergalactic travel, call on the best: Star Tours!

C-3PO: If this transport is “the best”, then why are we always repairing it?

R2-D2: <Blats self-importantly: “We’re not! I’m the one doing all the work.”>

C-3PO: What do you mean, you are doing all the work? You ungrateful little twit! I’ve just about had enough of you. Why, you wouldn’t even have this job if it weren’t for me.

R2-D2: <Squeaks that he would so>

C-3PO: No, you wouldn’t! So you might just show a little gratitude.

R2-D2: <Boops a reluctant “thank you”>

C-3PO: You’re welcome. Now get back to work.

Female Announcer: Departing Endor passenger Sacul, Mr. Egroeg Sacul, please see the Star Tours agent at gate number 3.

R2-D2: <Beeps as if he recognizes the name>

Female Announcer: (continued) Mr. Morrow, Mr. Tom Morrow, please check with the Star Tours agent at gate number 4.

R2-D2: <Whistles inquiringly>

C-3PO: Yes, I know exactly what I am doing, don’t you worry about me.

Male Supervisor: Uhh, Transport 22, I’m getting a critical reading on your laser cannon.

(Welding sparks)

R2-D2: <Whoops in surprise>

Male Supervisor: Shut down immediately!

(Klaxons wail)

C-3PO: Ohh! Oh no! Artoo, what have I done?

R2-D2: <Replies with panic>

C-3PO: We’re doomed! Deactivate the cannon circuits!

R2-D2: <Beeps “I already did!”>

C-3PO: No, disconnect them all!

R2-D2: <Chitters determinedly>

(Klaxons cease)

C-3PO: Oh, thank the maker.

Female Announcer: Your attention please for the following gate announcements. Flight 7-04, local service to Endor, will now depart through gate number 4. Flight 10-82, the Endor Express, will now depart through gate number 1. These are gate changes only. Thank you.

(Ad comes on the Screen)

Vid-screen Announcer: Star Tours announces another of our exciting action-adventure tours. Join us on the Trek to Tatooine. Start your visit with a trip to the Galactic Zoo. Then race over to the Mos Eisley Cantina, for cocktails with the galaxy’s most outrageous characters. If adventure is your middle name, this is the tour for you: The Trek to Tatooine! StarSpeeder service begins soon. Reservations are limited, so call your travel agent or Star Tours today.

R2-D2: <Warbles an opinion formed by his numerous visits to the desert planet>

C-3PO: Well, that’s one tour they can keep! I have no intention of getting another case of dust contamination.

R2-D2: <Chirps that he’s seen quite enough of Tatooine>

C-3PO: I totally agree, Artoo. Besides, I’m perfectly content right here with you. So long as you don’t mess things up.

R2-D2: <Blats a succinct expletive>

C-3PO: Watch your language, Artoo. And… check the laser cannons! Who knows what space debris you’ll run into?

R2-D2: <Beeps “Again, with the laser cannons? Sheesh.”>

(Welding pops)

C-3PO: Alright, Artoo, I’m getting a full power reading. Now, shut down the system before it discharges.

R2-D2: <Whistles an acknowledgement>

Alien Announcer: (speaking Ewokese) Ku channa, ku channa*. Chudoo [abi quad. Mando bo noto achi quad. Hup tagoy treetoe-go doggra. Eeway bo topda.] Gunda.

(Ad comes on the Screen, identical to the Endor Express ad heard above)

Vid-screen Announcer: Star Tours is now offering convenient daily departures to the exotic Moon of Endor. Come spend an afternoon or the entire day with the lovable Ewoks, in their charming tribal villages. It’s a fun-filled visit that you and your family will remember forever! Just ask for the Endor Express. Available only from Star Tours. Non-stop flights leave every few minutes, so don’t delay. Visit Endor today.

C-3PO: I really don’t understand why they’re not sending me on the Endor tour. After all, I am something of a legend with the Ewoks. What with my magic and all.

R2-D2: <Chirps a cheery reminder that the ‘magic’ belonged not to Threepio, but to Master Luke>

C-3PO: Well, the Ewoks thought it was mine. Besides, I could be of great assistance as an interpreter.

Female Announcer: Star Tours announces the cancellation of flight 1-24. Any passengers holding confirmed tickets for flight 1-24 should check with the nearest Star Tours agent.

*Linguistic footnote: ‘ku channa, ku channa’ can be translated approximately as ‘my friends, my friends’

Sector 2

(As we pass the Star Speeder and go into the next room, labelled Sector 2, we see two talkative droids that bear a certain resemblance to featherless robotic geese with flashlights for eyes. The first is the innocent-yet-easily-distracted G2-9T, seen working on an older astromech droid named R5-D2.Around the corner from him is the somewhat gruffer G2-4T. Though he looks identical to Nine-Tee, certain color details aside, Four-Tee is actually a higher rank of maintenance droid… a kind of ‘foreman-droid’ (‘fore-droid’?) who supervises all the repair work being done by Nine-Tee– and other unseen fellow workers– from his console at the Droidnostics station. He’s definitely the more ‘blue-collar laborer’ of the pair, but likes to think he’s more intelligent than he actually is.

The Female Supervisor announcements and the background music are heard simultaneously as the script for each droid loops back on itself.)

G2-9T: (Yawns) These shutdown breaks are getting much too short. Now, what have we here? Hmm… (to R5-D2) Hey, haven’t I seen you before? Seems like I’m always fixing this burnout! Oh, let’s see now… No… no… no, that-that can’t be right.

G2-9T: Hey, you there! Uh, excuse me? Hello-o-o? I’m talking to you! Yes, you! Are you very mechanical? Well, I was just wondering if you could tell me where this goes? See I wasn’t really online when they were programming us for logic repairs. Usually I can figure it out but these old R5’s are kinda built backwards, know what I mean? Heh! No, you don’t know what I mean… Well, don’t worry, this isn’t your navigator. No, I fixed him hours ago. But thanks for trying to help me out, and you have a nice flight. I’ll figure this out… eventually…

Female Supervisor: Attention please, attention please, there has been a disruption in the labor output of Droid Sector 2. All work is to resume immediately, or power disconnect will be initiated.

G2-9T: Uh oh! I’ve gotta get back to work. Uhh, just keep the line moving, folks! I’m not programmed for idle chitchat. You know, it’s not polite to stare.

G2-9T: Now, was I supposed to weld that logic module positive to positive, or negative to negative? No, no, I’m positive it was negative to positive, absolutely positive.

G2-9T: Hey, what are you all staring at? Ohh, me! Well, you got cameras, why don’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer!

G2-9T: Gee, a lot of families here today. Glad you’re flying with us. You know, I like families. Sure! I see a lot of mine these days. Oh look, there’s Dad. (waves to parts basket passing by on conveyor) Hi, Dad! Dad was the top Star Tours pilot… ’til he took a crash course in StarSpeeders, if you know what I mean. Now he’s a real basket case. Yep, that’s him all over. It’s a shame too, [he’s] really gone to pieces. Hey, are you all together today? Are you sure? Okay, you had me worried there.

Female Supervisor: Attention please, attention please, we are experiencing unusual behavior from the G2 droids in Sector 2. Maintenance units begin surveillance of all Sector 2 G2 droids.

G2-9T: I’m listening to K-DROID, my favorite station. This is the latest hit from Danny and the Droids. It’s called “I Wanna Weld Your Hand”. I love those roboto intros. Hey man, care to boogie? Your bipedal locomotion units are looking real hydraulic.

G2-9T: (Singing) “I’ve been working on the same droid, all the live long day.” Ha ha ha. Stick ’em up! Whew! I love the West. It reminds me of my last home on Tatooine. Hey, speaking of home, how about taking me with you when you leave? Will you wait for me? I get off work in a few years. Pleeeeease?

Female Supervisor: Monitor circuits continue to detect a decrease in production activities in Droid Sector 2. Shutdown procedures will begin in 60 seconds, unless output increases immediately.

G2-9T: You see, now you’re getting me in trouble. That’s what happens when you talk to humanoids. Always trouble. I’m sorry, but I’ve gotta get back to work.

G2-9T: Hello! How are you? I’m, uh, G2-9T, fifth-degree labor droid. See, my job is to fix the pilots and navigators for Star Tours. It’s a really neat job. I mean, I like it and you get to meet a lot of nice droids and… ex-excuse me. Excuse me, you look awfully familiar! Wasn’t I in your service, a long time ago, uhh… in a galaxy far, far away? Oh, I guess not. You only have one head!

G2-9T: Say, that’s a very nice droid you’re traveling with, but if you’d ever like to trade that one in for a newer unit, let me know. Come by and see me anytime. I’m always here.

***

Historical footnote: Not present in the audio file from which this transcript was made is an alternate exchange between G2-9T and an unseen overseer. The following ‘Lost Scene’ for G2-9T is taken from the Star Tours Electronic Presskit (EPK), presumably from 1987 or so. Of particular interest is the paging of RX-24, called by his full designation, and the use of a truncated nickname for G2-9T.

Female Supervisor: RX-24, RX-24, please report immediately to Droid Ready Room. RX-24… (continues to page Rex under G2’s next speech)

G2-9T: Hello! How are you? I’m, uh, G2-9T, fifth-degree labor droid. See, my job is to fix the pilots and navigators for Star Tours. It’s a really neat job. I mean, I like it [and?] you get to meet a lot of nice droids [and–]
Female Overseer: (a less monotone, more emotional voice than the Female Supervisor) Nine-Tee! [Are] you slacking off again?

G2-9T: Yes, Sir! I mean, no, Sir! Hey, it’s not my fault! These people keep asking me questions.

Female Overseer: Never mind the excuses! I’ve told you a thousand times…

Female Overseer and G2-9T: (simultaneous) “Never talk to the humanoids.”

Female Overseer: It only leads to trouble!

The EPK cuts at that point to a different scene. It is my theory that the scene originally ended with this surviving, yet reordered line:

G2-9T: You see, now you’re getting me in trouble. That’s what happens when you talk to humanoids. Always trouble. I’m sorry, but I’ve gotta get back to work.

Since G2-9T’s speeches are heard simultaneous with G2-4T’s, logic dictates that if Nine-Tee’s script was abridged, then Four-Tee’s script must likewise have been truncated. However, due to the timing constraints of the background music and the robots’ mutual interaction with the Supervisor announcements, it is more likely that the current “wasn’t I in your service a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away” lines replaced the original Female Overseer exchange.

Now back to the transcript of the previous audio file.

***

Female Supervisor: Malfunction in Sector 2, malfunction in Sector 2. All droids will be shut down for reloading of labor programs. Stand by for power disconnect.

G2-9T: Here we go again! They’re gonna pull the plug on me. See you later, folks. It’s nap tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime…

(We walk around this first droid and meet the foreman droid)

G2-4T: These shutdowns are becoming a pain in the neck! Heh, literally! Ooh…

Computer Supervisor: <Warbles>

G2-4T: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I hear ya. What? Passports? How do I know if they have their passports? Okay, okay, okay! I’ll check. Sheesh, give me a circuit break, will ya?

G2-4T: Hey, do all you passengers have the necessary paperwork to go on this tour? Y-you know, passports, visas, tickets, flight insurance… Well? (short pause) I don’t know, Chief… Heh, they’re all just standing there staring at me. Maybe they’re not programmed to my frequency.

Computer Supervisor: <Warbles>

G2-4T: Hey! What’s the matter? Haven’t you people ever seen intelligent life before? Heh heh heh.

Female Supervisor: Attention please, attention please, there has been a disruption in the labor output of Droid Sector 2. All work is to resume immediately, or power disconnect will be initiated.

Computer Supervisor: <Warbles>

G2-4T: Hey! Get off my servos! I’m not the one who purchased all those defective RX pilots.

Computer Supervisor: <Warbles>

G2-4T: Have any of you humanoids ever flown on a StarSpeeder before? Well, I hope you enjoy your tour. Now, now, please keep your party together as you approach the loading concourse. Heh, that is, if you’d ever like to see them again. If not, heh, then you can say goodbye now! Heh heh heh heh heh heh…

Female Supervisor: Attention please, attention please, we are experiencing unusual behavior from the G2 droids in Sector 2. Maintenance units begin surveillance of all Sector 2 G2 droids.

G2-4T: What’s this, do my sensors deceive me? Or are there really passengers out there? Gee, I hope the new StarSpeeders run better then the one that brought me here. What a bucket of bolts! You’d never get me on one of those things again in a billion lightyears.

Computer Supervisor: <Warbles>

G2-4T: Yeah, Chief?

Computer Supervisor: <Warbles>

G2-4T: What’s that?

Computer Supervisor: <Warbles exactly the same>

G2-4T: Don’t worry, those humanoids out there can’t hear a word I’m saying, as long as I have the comlink switched off.

Computer Supervisor: <Warbles/chokes>

G2-4T: Huh, it’s not!?!

Computer Supervisor: <Warbles/chokes exactly the same>

G2-4T: Uh-oh! Uhh, say! Are you the lucky people who are gonna ride the new StarSpeeder 3000? Heh heh, wait ’til you see it! It’s a real beauty, and what a ride! Smooth as transmission fluid! You’ll never forget it! (aside) Although you’ll probably wish you could…

Female Supervisor: Monitor circuits continue to detect a decrease in production activities in Droid Sector 2. Shutdown procedures will begin in 60 seconds, unless output increases immediately.

G2-4T: Excuse me please, but you’ll have to check that excess baggage. Huh? Oh, I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t realize that was your husband. Heh heh, heh heh heh.

Computer Supervisor: <Warbles>

G2-4T: Sorry, Chief. My sensors were out of focus there for a second.

G2-4T: Hiya folks. I’m G2-4T. I run this operation. Now if there’s anything I can help you with… Hey, you over there. I’m talking to you! Could you creatures please give me your undivided attention for a moment? Thank you. Uh, some of you are probably wondering how many passengers are flying with Star Tours today. Well, let me see. Ehh, there’s one, two, three, four… Uh, do you want me to include you? Okay, five, six, ehh… Stop back and check with me later, this could take a while. Uhh, seven, eight, nine, ten…

Female Supervisor: Malfunction in Sector 2, malfunction in Sector 2. All droids will be shut down for reloading of labor programs. Stand by for power disconnect.

Computer Supervisor: <Warbles>

G2-4T: Well, it’s break time! Wait, wa-WAIT, I didn’t mean that literaaaallllyyyy…

(We walk past the foreman droid and enter the boarding area.)

Boarding Area & The Trip To Endor

(You are assigned to one of five lines that will lead through a currently-closed door into a corresponding door in the StarSpeeder. While we wait for the doors to open, overhead monitors show the StarSpeeder being worked on and serviced.)Male Announcer: Star Tours announces the arrival of the Endor Express. Once we’ve had a chance to service the StarSpeeder, we’ll begin our boarding procedures. Thank you.

(The monitors now play a short ‘safety video’, hosted by a spokeswoman. Visible among the Star Tourists in the video are Ewoks– one of whom carries a stuffed doll of Mickey Mouse aboard– and Teek from the TV-movie Battle for Endor. Apparently the safety video was filmed aboard Star Tours flight 11-19, the non-stop shuttle service to Endor. ;) Also visible in the video are Chewbacca and a pair of Mon Calamari officers, all of whom grow very upset when a small boy snaps their picture using a flash.)

Safety Video Spokeswoman: (visible on the monitor) May I have your attention please? At this time, I’d like to take a moment to review our boarding process with you. When the automatic doors have opened, please proceed directly across the ramp into the cabin. Continue to move all the way across your aisle, filling in every available seat. For your safety, all passengers are required to wear safety restraints throughout the flight. To fasten the restraint, pull the strap out from the right side of the seat and snap it into the console on your left. Galactic regulations require that all carry-on items be safely stowed beneath your seat. While onboard, flash photography is not permitted.

Chewbacca: (on the safety video) <Snarls in displeasure at being blinded by a flash>

Safety Video Spokeswoman: (again visible on the monitor) And please, no smoking at any time. If you have any questions, feel free to ask an Attendant. You’ll be boarding in just a few moments. Thank you, and have a pleasant tour.

Male Announcer: Star Tours announces the boarding of the Endor Express, non-stop StarSpeeder service to the moon of Endor. All passengers, please prepare for immediate boarding.

(The overhead monitors now play the pre-flight countdown video, wherein you can see Flight 45 arrive, get checked out, and raise up to boarding level. You can even see the boarding ramps come down just as you feel the vibration of them hitting the ship.)

Male Announcer: This is the final boarding call for the Star Tours Endor Express. All passengers should be onboard at this time. Final boarding call for the Endor Express.

(When the doors have opened, you enter the cabin of the StarSpeeder 3000, and take your place in one of the five rows of seats. A Disney Cast Member makes sure everyone is buckled in. In front of you is a gray shield with the Star Tours logo on it. To its right is the cabin’s video monitor. See-Threepio appears on this monitor to reiterate the safety procedures. During the ‘no flash photos and no smoking’ portion of Threepio’s version of the video, a three-eyed alien Gran named Ree-Yees can be glimpsed lowering a three-lensed camera, dropping a lit cigarette from his mouth, looking somewhat sheepish at this double violation.)

C-3PO: (visible on the monitor) Hello, I am See-Threepio, human-cyborg relations. Welcome aboard the StarSpeeder 3000. Please make sure your safety restraints are securely fastened at this time. To fasten, pull the strap out from the right side of the seat, and snap it into the console to your left. Galactic regulations require that all carry-on items be safely stowed beneath your seats. Oh, and flash photography and smoking are absolutely prohibited while onboard. Thank you, and do have a nice flight!

(You see another droid, your pilot, on the cabin monitor)

RX-24: Welcome aboard! This is Captain Rex from the cockpit. I know this is probably your first flight, and it’s… mine, too! Ha ha.

(Tone sounds, indicating the ship is ready to launch)

RX-24: Well, it looks like we’re going to have a smooth flight to Endor, so I’ll go ahead and open the cockpit shield.

(The shield in front of all the seats lowers, revealing RX-24 in person in the left corner of the ship. In the center of the ship is our window to sightsee out of. Right now, all we see is a door.)

RX-24: Hi there!

R2-D2: (visible on cabin monitor, being loaded into the top of the StarSpeeder) <Whistles an excited greeting>

RX-24: I see they’re loading our navigator Artoo-Detoo, and then we’ll be on our way. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight.

(Our ship shifts and starts to raise up to the runway.)

Control Tower: Star Tours forty-five, elevator platform has been activated. Commence final pre-launch sequence.

RX-24: Roger, Control, all status go.

Control Tower: Ess Tee forty-five, you are cleared for takeoff. Contact Departure Control at one-two-zero-point-four.

RX-24: Copy, one-two-zero-point-four.

(We see another StarSpeeder ship ahead of us going into a right-curving tunnel above which flashes the word LAUNCH. Our ship all of a sudden makes a very jolting left turn – and we are now headed through some doors marked ‘MAINTENANCE BAY – NO ADMITTANCE’ !)

Control Tower: Forty-five, you’re going the wrong way! Stop immediately!

RX-24: Uh-oh, wrong way. Brakes. Brakes! Where are the brakes?! Aaahhhh!

R2-D2: <Squeals in terror>

(We fall over a sharp drop into the maintenance area. A StarSpeeder is visible on the floor just as we pull up from the near-certain impact. We level off and drift to the right towards an elevated office window, causing three people wearing orange jumpsuits to duck. One of them is ILM’s Academy Award-winning special effects wizard Dennis Muren. We swerve left, into the path of a swinging gantry arm, forcing us to veer right. Look at the lower right and you’ll see a ‘Hidden Mickey’ which pays homage to the Disneyland attraction that preceded Star Tours at this site in Anaheim: the Mighty Microscope from “Adventure Thru Inner Space”. Our ship raises toward a square exit portal in the back of the Maintenance Bay, through which the StarSpeeder we previously saw entering the Launch Tunnel is visible moving against the stars. That ship jumps to lightspeed and is gone. Rex realizes he’s inadvertently caught up with the traffic queue and tries to play it off as intentional.)

RX-24: Uhh… I meant to do that! A little shortcut… Ha ha!

(Star Wars theme music cuts in sharply)

RX-24: Artoo!

R2-D2: <Whistles, awaiting orders>

RX-24: Lightspeed to Endor!

R2-D2: <Pipes acknowledgement>

(Stars whizz by us at light speed. We are being pushed back into our seats – due to the fact that we are traveling at lightspeed. The cabin monitor flashes the message “Approaching Endor”. We then see Endor fly by as we pass it. The cabin monitor then flashes the message “Leaving Endor”.)

RX-24: Artoo! We passed the Endor moon!

R2-D2: <Whoops in alarm>

(In front of us we see streaming particles of ice coming closer to us.)

RX-24: Now what’s the matter?

R2-D2: <Beeps an explanation>

RX-24: Comets? Comets!

***

Historical footnote: Among some archival video, including the Star Tours Electronic Presskit (EPK), there is an alternate version of this exchange, where Rex instead says:

RX-24: Oh no! Comets!

***

(Sound effect- seat belt light coming on)

RX-24: Ladies and gentlemen, there may be some turbulence up ahead, please make sure your seatbelts are fastened!

(Our ship dodges some oncoming comets, then comes uncomfortably close to one oncoming comet and then goes into the comet.)

RX-24: I have a very bad feeling about this! Aaahhhh!

***

Historical footnote: In some archival video, the ‘bad feeling’ line is not present.

***

Our ship swerves right and left to avoid hitting the sides of any of the narrow ice crystal pathways inside the comet. It is like going through a maze. Our ship comes to a dead end within the comet – a solid wall of ice. We explode right through the ice wall and find that we are back in outer space, free from the confines of the comet.)

RX-24: Aaahhhh!

(We hear a crystalline fracturing noise as the StarSpeeder smashes out of the comet into clear space)

RX-24: Well, you can relax now. Everything’s under control, and, uh, we will be on our way to the Endor moon without any further delay.

(Our ship is gradually leaning more and more to the right as RX-24 is saying this. It is clear everything is not under control. In front of us we see a ship, a huge ship – an Imperial Star Destroyer. Our ship is being pulled closer and closer to its underbelly. The cabin monitor flashes the message, “System Override”.)

RX-24: Oh no! We’re caught in a tractor beam!

(We see flying around in front of our ship attacking X-Wing fighters [the good guys] and TIE Fighters [the bad guys]. The cabin monitor breaks in with an image of an X-Wing fighter pilot talking to us…)

Red Leader: Star Tours?!? What are you doing here? This is a combat zone, it’s restricted! Ease off on your main thruster.

(RX-24 eases off the rear thruster, just as one of the X-wings scores a hit inside the Star Destroyer’s hangar, presumably destroying the tractor beam projector, and although we are no longer being drawn in, we are now trapped in the middle of a battle between the Rebellion and the Empire. We see ships fly about firing away against the backdrop of the Death Star.

In particular, watch for the very lucky bank shot that one X-wing pilot gets off, which knocks one TIE Fighter into another, killing two enemies with one blast.

Even our civilian passenger ship is fired upon, so we begin to fire against oncoming TIE Fighters. Good thing Artoo and Threepio made sure our defensive laser cannons, intended for clearing asteroids and other debris from our path, were fully charged and functional!

We then feel a massive jolt, and our ship plummets towards the Death Star suddenly. The cabin monitor flashes the message, “Malfunction”.)

RX-24: Aaahhhh! We’ve been hit! Artoo, get the stabilizer fixed… and hurry! We’re losing altitude fast!

R2-D2: <Beeps and squeaks as he tries to effect the repair>

(We hang for a little while, and then evidently R2 does restore power back to our ship. The cabin monitor flashes the message, “Systems OK”.)

Red Leader: Red Twenty-Four, Red Thirty, follow me.

RX-24: (possibly mistaking the callsign ‘Red Twenty-Four’ for his own name, RX-24) O-kay! I’ve always wanted to do this! We’re going in!

(We fly toward the surface of the Death Star, and nearly hit the back of an X-Wing fighter in front of us)

RX-24: Yikes!

(Rex slides the StarSpeeder to starboard to avoid hitting the X-Wing fighter.)

(Our ship follows the X-Wing fighters in front of us against the varied surface of the Death Star. We swerve in and out of openings, and dodge enemy shot blasts. Our ship follows the other ships and flies up and circles around, then goes back toward the Death Star headed toward the trench.)

RX-24: Yaaa-hooo!!!

Red Leader: Red 24, I’m going in!

(In the trench, we blast a couple of oncoming TIE Fighters.)

RX-24: Whoa! Ha ha!

Red Leader: I’m in target range…

(We watch as the X-Wing fighter in front of us drops two shots down the exhaust port at the end of the trench to blow up the Death Star. We see an explosion start to come up from the port. Our ship quickly raises up.)

Red Leader: It’s a hit!

RX-24: We did it!

Red Leader: All ships, jump to lightspeed.

R2-D2: <Squeals in terror as yet another Death Star blows up right behind him>

RX-24: Hang on back there! Lightspeed!

(Our ship once again travels at lightspeed. When we come out of it, we are near the Star Tours spaceport. We can see other StarSpeeder 3000’s taxi along below us. We enter into a docking bay, with a Supervisor’s office visible at the end. As we continue forward with no signs of slowing, a tanker truck marked ‘FUEL’ on the side moves into our path from the right!)

RX-24: Braaaakes!!!

(Our ship comes to grinding halt, the Fuel Tanker continues to the left before stopping, and we glimpse the Supervisor getting up from behind his desk where he’d ducked, shaking his head over the near-catastrophe. This Supervisor is not played by George Lucas, as the persistent legend would have it, but rather by an ILM chief modelmaker named Ira Keeler.

The StarSpeeder now begins to lower on an elevator back down to the maintenace pit, where we can assume it gets worked on rather extensively before once again raising up to the passenger boarding level.)

RX-24: Hey, sorry folks. I’m sure to do better next time. It was my first flight, and I’m still getting used to my programming!

(The shield at the front of the ship starts to raise up)

RX-24: Hey! HEY!

C-3P0: (on the cabin monitor) We do hope you enjoyed your tour of Endor, and will come back soon. Now please remain seated until the captain has opened the exit doors. You may then unlatch your safety restraints by pressing the release button on your left. Oh, and do make sure you have your personal belongings. Thank you. Goodbye!

[Some versions have Threepio saying ‘your tour of the moon of Endor’, but the majority of my personal sources only say ‘your tour of Endor’.]

Afterwards ..

The Star Wars music kicks in hard (Main theme (IV), The Throne Room (IV), Luke’s Theme (V), Rebel Fanfare (V), Yoda’s Theme (V), The Imperial March (V) and the Love Theme (V) ). We exit the ship into a hallway decorated with posters for Star Tours destinations like Hoth, Bespin, Endor, Tatooine, and even Naboo.

Paris

In the Paris Discoveryland spaceport, as we leave the corridor, we find a big hall with games, “L’ Astroport Services Interstellaires”

When you enter the gamehall, you first walk around ROX-N (Rex’s robot girlfriend), and then you can play a game with her, but I haven’t figured out which one…

This space port is jam-packed with entertainment electronics. The “photo boxes” are great fun. You stand before equipment that takes a digital photo of you, which you can have great fun distorting at will by placing your hands on touch-screens. You may then buy the ‘retouched’ photo (get it?) with favours.

Also fun is the “Orakel”, comprised of a face made of eight horizontal lines, which will ask you several questions and tell you what type you are. The Orakel speaks very many languages, including German and also French (naturally).

A further highlight in the spaceport is the game “Star Course”. The playing equipment are several platforms (one for each player), which you must steer by shifting your weight. On a large canvas you see your spaceship indicated by a small colored disc. The object of the game is to ram the other players’ spaceships with yours as often as possible– but be careful, because if you hit certain other obstacles, you lose points!

Additional electronic games round out the area. All games are free.

Cast:

Please help us update the credits!

See-Threepio………………………………………..Anthony Daniels

Artoo-Detoo………………………………………….Ben Burtt ;)

Alien Announcer…………………………………….Anthony Daniels

Vid-screen Announcer…………………………….Brian Cummings*

Captain Rex………………………………………….Paul Reubens (aka Pee-Wee Herman)

Guy in Maintenance Bay window……………..Dennis Muren

Red Leader…………………………………………..Steve Gawley

Not George…………………………………………..Ira Keeler

*according to MGMstudios.org